Hit 'em where it hurts.

"what do you have to be depressed about..."

"you can make yourself be happy..."

"I don't believe in that..."

"it's all in your head..."

"when you say you aren't motivated, "who" is thinking that? Surely you can change the way you are "thinking..."

"you need to snap out of it already..."

"what's your problem? did you take your medication today?"

"you just need go outside more..."

"if you start losing weight, you'll start to feel better..."

"you just need to keep yourself busy..."

"if you feel like this now, what is going to happen after #2?"

Today's recap

I really can't wait for tomorrow to come. Today was not a day I really want to remember for the following reasons. 1) Ayden was very cranky. His teeth were bothering him and his tummy (gas/spit up). He wouldn't nap and was extremely fussy all day. 2) My 'blues' hit me hard today for some reason. Really hard. I've had some rough days, but today was bad. Not the worst, but bad just the same. 3) Dh and I got in a fight. It was over my blues nonetheless and some pretty asinine things were said. 4) I have a crying induced headache and now I am really congested. 5) Our a/c isn't working again.

Yep, I am ready to start tomorrow.

Shackled To Depression

Shackled to depression Intertwined, amongst my veins Self worth, self love Are lost, within the pain Anguish and shattered dreams Lie embedded in my heart A glimpse of personal torture Revealed, within the art A medicated mind Does it offer resolution?  Candy coated prescriptions Swallowed, without solution Blind to the rising sun Of opportunity, to thrive Another breath inhaled Without purpose, without drive Shackled to depression Consumed by failure, and disgrace A crying soul unseen I walk invisible, without face ~ Wendy Bureau

Ok, please stop.

I can't bare to watch it anymore. It's breaking my heart.

Ayden's been having another day of massive spit-up/vomit. Started yesterday and it was so bad in the afternoon, I finally called the pedi. He gave me another (stronger) prescription (Prevacid) and said what he is going through is the classic GERD symptoms. Ugh, Ok. Well I am trying to be as optimistic as I can so I leave it at that.

Fast forward to this afternoon. After his bottle, Ayden vomits. Ok, let's go upstairs to change you (and me). Come downstairs. Sit down. Vomit again. No biggie. Back up stairs we go. Repeat 2 more times. Vomiting 4 times in 30 mins is not fun. I am in tears, I feel so bad for him. I say to myself - if he vomits again, I am taking him to the ER.

Before I go into a panic, I decide to give him his nightly dose of Prevacid early and NOT give him any more formula (even though I can tell he is still hungry since his stomach is now empty). I try my hardest to get him to sleep. He still hasn't taken his afternoon nap. I fail miserably.

Finally dh comes home. And now of course Ayden falls asleep. What a friggin' day.

Cereal Day!

OMG!  I never thought eating could be THIS messy, lol.  Oatmeal cereal became smeared all over Ayden's face, hair, hands, his seat, me - everywhere!  So much fun though.  I can't believe how time is flying.  It is scary.

We have a diagnosis

Ayden has GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease ). We will start giving him Pepcid twice a day to help with the reflux. Plus, the Dr. gave the OK for him to start cereal! YAY! He said this should also help weigh things down in his stomach.

I definitely felt like a FTM today though. I kept telling the Dr. that Ayden had a low grade fever. The Dr. looked at his chart and said when the nurse took his temp today it was 98.7. But I point out that yesterday his temp (rectally was 99.5), then this morning it was 100.2 - hence the reason why we brought him in. The Dr. just gives me a blank stare (lol) and says OK anything over 99.9 under the arm or 100.5 rectally is considered a fever. Those temps are not considered low-grade fever at all. He was being so nice, but I felt like such an IDIOT! I felt like smacking my forehead (should of had a V8 - lol).

Anyway, we leave the Dr. feeling so much better. It's not that we are happy our son has GERD, we are just happy we know what it is and that there are things we can do to help. GERD should go away on its own in time (which was such a relief for us to hear). We just have to be cautious now and make sure that there is nothing else going on with him that the GERD is masking. Ugh, I won't even think of that. Just focus on my baby and making sure he is OK right now.

Ayden's first time sick?

Oh please let's hope not. I've been dreading this moment from the minute he was born. It so hard watching your child go through something, and there isn't much you can do. No matter how minor it is, your heart breaks for them. The worst thing in the world is to hear "that cry" - not the one when their tired or hungry - but the I am in pain cry. I didn't think I'd be able to tell the difference, but there was no mistaking it. The first time I heard it; it was the second time he had his shots and I just wanted to die at that moment. Take the pain away from him. Please, I can take it - give it to me. Give me the pain, and I'll suffer for him. Just make it stop. Please.

This time it's not the cry that alerts me, it's his face. His big bulbous cheeks are flushed bright red. I kiss his forehead and he is burning. I think uh-oh, time to take out the thermometer. For some reason, I get nervous. Why? I've take his temperature before, so what's the big deal? Well, this time I was expecting a temp and I was right. Not too bad though, 99.5 but higher than normal. Oh no, what do I do? I immediately grab the Tylenol from the cabinet and give him the recommended dosage. He grimaces at the taste of grape, but sucks it down anyway. I take him to the couch and we cuddle until he falls asleep.

The rest of the day goes pretty uneventful. No more temps, but I notice his appetite is down and he's spitting up more than normal. I must have changed 20 bibs throughout the entire day.

After dh gets home, I decide to call his Dr. They tell me not to give him Tylenol anymore unless his temp is over 100.5 and if he has a temp in the morning to bring him in. I give Ayden his last bottle (he only takes an ounce) and falls asleep in my arms. I try to wake him up but he is in such a deep sleep, I decide to put him in his crib. If he wakes up, he wakes up and I'll make him a new bottle, no biggie.

Oh man what a day.

More shitty news on BOTB

Another regular has lost her baby. She found out during her NT scan. I am at a loss for words. My thoughts and prayers are with her and her dh. I am so very sad for her.

Life is so unfair (one more before bed)

Over the course of my life, I made my fair share of mistakes and have seen a lot of them being made. As I get older, I start to pay attention things differently. A subject like infertility would mean absolutely nothing to me 10 years ago. It's just not something you think about or get concerned about until you and someone close to you is thrust into that situation. I have to say that my TTC journey would be considered as easy as cake to some. It wasn't bad, but I had my share of scares and trials. One thing is it definitely brought me closer to what the TTC+6 and some of my BOTB girls out there are going through.

These beautiful ladies have shown themselves to be the most honest and sincere people you will ever find. They have taught me so much about IF, and pretty much how they are dealing with all of it. All I can say it that my heart bleeds for these woman. Every last one of them. How much suffering can one person take before they lose it? I have to wonder. I can't even put myself in their shoes and possibly try to understand. It is such a tragic and terrible thing. I read some of their different posts and I keep saying - I want to help! But what can I do? We've had some news on BTOB recently that sparked this "unfairness" mania of mine. I want to be able to do something.... and I am falling short - big time. What to do? or more importantly - What can I do to help? I wish there was something I could do...

Weekend Plans - Party

So, my dh's cousin is turning 30 and her mother is throwing her a surprise birthday party for her at the parent's house. They live about 2 1/2 hours away from us toward the beach. So, instead of driving all that way and coming back home the same day - we've all decided (Dh & I, SIL & BIL, kids) are going to drive down to the beach house for the weekend. That way we'll be 30 mins from the party. Sounds like a great idea? Except the house is the size of a tin can! And after *just* unpacking from our trip there last week - I feel like I am reliving deja vu here big time.

Anywho, the party should be fun and things may get interesting (in which case I'll post it on the blog).